3 minutes.

In sports, 3 minutes can make or break the game.  3 minutes can be the difference of winning a championship or losing one.  No matter how hard you work for that win, the decisions made in those mere minutes or even seconds left are what will decide if that moment you worked so hard for… will finally be in your hands… or just at your fingertips slipping away.

I had envisioned writing to you today from on top the world, as an official Boston qualifier.  But instead, I am writing to you a little heartbroken.  I missed the qualifying time yesterday by 3 minutes.  My official time was 3:38.  All day yesterday, I was fine.  I didn’t shed a tear, I didn’t beat myself up.  I kept face.  But unfortunately, that did not continue into the restless night of sleep I had last night.  So many things went through my head, so many things sacrificed.   All these people rooting for me that I let down, months and months of track workouts I hated, early morning runs, missing out on social events, not doing the races I love all because I had to focus on my one goal.  The goal I did not attain.

There were a number of factors that went into yesterday.  The first and most important confession I have to make to you is:  I did not believe I could do this.  I put on a face like I thought I could, but I had so many doubts in myself you have no idea.  Even though all my races, track workouts etc were all RIGHT ON PACE, I kept thinking it had to be a fluke.  Here is the funny thing about manifesting your dreams and goals, you can manifest all you want but if you do not believe it in your heart of hearts… you will fall short.  You have to trust the process and trust the powers above you, and I didn’t.  So when things did not go as planned on race day, my weak mind immediately started feeling defeat.

I did the number one thing you should NEVER do in a marathon. I went against my race plan and went out too fast. When I showed up to my corral, I immediately started looking for the 3:35 pace group- they were going to be my safe haven.  The fastest pace group that was in my corral (Corral D) was 3:50 and the 3:35 was all the way up at Corral B.  In past years, you could move up Corrals no problem but this year with all the heightened security, you were not allowed to.  That was my first panic moment.   So instead of just taking it easy the first ten miles and not worrying about the pace group,  I ran way too fast to try and catch up to them, stupid.   In the Chicago marathon there are hundreds if not thousands of people in each corral- so the fact that I thought I could get them in the first few miles was ridiculous.  I stopped trying to catch up to them at mile 8 and ran paranoid for the remainder of the race.

Even though I was on pace well over the halfway point- I started worrying how those first few fast miles would affect me later on as my legs were not feeling great at this point already.  I kept saying to myself – “Okay, Jill-mile 20 the work begins- just coast to mile 20”.  Got to mile 20 and felt okay, not great.  Mile 21- I hit the hardest Wall I have ever hit in a race ever.  Worse than my first marathon.  My legs both felt like one solid cramp and heavy as concrete.  Things went through my head like:  “No, no, no I am so close this can’t be happening.”  “Maybe if I just coast a little bit longer I can kick it into gear the last 2 miles.”  then came the other thoughts “I can’t believe you thought you could do this, who are you kidding?” “Of course you are going to miss it, you are not a fast runner.”

Once I got to mile 24- I would have had to run 7 minute miles and I still I might have missed the cutoff by seconds.  So at mile 24, I knew I wasn’t going to make it.  I knew I had friends and family in the next miles and I was ashamed to see them.  I was so disappointed in myself that I ruined my shot.  I could not even make it through the last 200 without walking my legs were in so much pain.

Part of me is embarrassed that I made this goal so public and then fell short.  But the other part of me is glad I did.  I knew that if I told everybody this is what I was trying to do- I wouldn’t miss my track workouts, I would work harder and I would focus- because who wants to fail in front of everybody?  I sure didn’t.  But I did and that’s okay.  Sometimes you have to fall flat on your face when reaching for your dreams, that’s what makes them worth it.  If it was easy to chase,  it wouldn’t be a dream right?

When I say qualifying for Boston has been a dream of mine, I really mean a dream.  The kind of dream a little kid has but doesn’t actually ever think it would come true.  Here I thought this goal was so incredibly unattainable- yet I came within 3 minutes of it.  It is possible.  I think I needed this race to slap me in the face and make me realize that if I ever want to accomplish something- I need to better manage the battlefield of my mind.  I need to tell my doubts to sit down and shut up.  I am worthy.

I can’t tell you how blown away I was by all your messages, texts, facebook posts.  I didn’t even know so many people were following me through this and it means the world that you believed in me.  I may have let you down yesterday but I promise that this battle is not over yet.  I will get there.

Whatever it is you are trying to go after, don’t be afraid of failure. You might fall and fall hard.  People might be disappointed in you.  But all of those trials are going to make that victory so much sweeter when you get there.  The only thing worse than failure, is never trying.