Perception.

Do you ever wonder what other people say about you when you are not around?  If not, you should.  I know that might be contrary to popular belief.   I am talking about being aware of what kind of person you are to the outside world.  What kind of person do you hope others see you as?  Is that the kind of person you actually put out there?  I am sure you have heard the question- what will people say at your funeral?  Will they have to make up positive things about you?  Or will they be able to say the truth?

When at a friends house a week or so ago, we were talking about another mutual friend.  Things were said like “she is such a good listener, such a hard worker,  always happy, she just loves being alive!”  What a wonderful way to be  talked about.  I thought to myself  after we were talking about this about the kind of person others see me as.  Is it the person I would hope to be?  Do others say positive things about me when I am not around? Or do they complain about me?  Do others see me as a good person?  I hope so, but I also know better.

My nature is to be happy, friendly and positive.  But I know that is not what I always put off.  Before entering into my Servant Leadership Grad program, I always thought this is what others must think of me…because it is what I think of myself!  A very immature thought.

A now good friend of mine once told me that in college, she was certain that I did not like her.  Whenever she would see me on campus and say hi, I would apparently not acknowledge her.  I remember her telling me this and just feeling so heartbroken, how could somebody think that of me? I don’t dislike anybody! I felt so terrible for making her feel that way.   But the times I saw her, I was not being very self aware.  During that period of  my life, I had many things weighing on me.  So even though that is not an excuse, I know that during that time I was not portraying the real Jill.  The Jill that would welcome anybody’s hello and make friends right away.  Thanks for being my friend anyway, Kay 😉

When taking a self-evaluation  a little over a year ago, it deemed me with the characteristics of: open, approachable, energetic, friendly.  But within that same survey, it cautioned me of things that I may very well  be PERCEIVED as:  boastful, talks too much, poor listener.

That was hard to read, but necessary as I knew that often times that was true. Despite those not being the things that I was trying to get across, it doesn’t matter as that is how I was perceived.  I needed to work on those things.  I can be positive and friendly without being over the top and chatting too much about myself.

Also by nature, I am a very emotional person.  I can get emotional and cry and the drop of a hat- I take after my mom that way.  I can get emotional from a card I read, a song I hear or sob while reading a book about a fictional character.  I also get very emotional when OTHER people are going through things, almost as if I am going through them myself.  I am not just talking being sad, I am talking body shaking, welled up eyes, and lack of concentration and on the verge of a panic attack- it literally effects my whole being. That being said, I have always had a very hard time controlling these emotions.  I have a hard time watching movies where there are stressful situations (movies like Meet the Fockers– literally give me anxiety attacks) and I especially cannot watch movies or read books that are sad (Michelle has been trying to get me to watch My Sister’s Keeper for YEARS- can’t do it without having to take an emotional vacation day at work).

 

This has been a part of me, every since I can remember.  And while some people might think this is a wonderful quality,  I often times despise it because I have trouble controlling it.   So somewhere down the line, I decided that I would mask it as much as humanly possible.  I developed this happy and bubbly persona (which is still natural) and stuck with it all of the time no matter what I am really feeling.  Many times if I am having a rough day or going through a very hard time, even my close friends and family would never even suspect.  I would like to think I have become a master at it.

However, I do have moments of weakness.  This past week at work, I had a conflict with another employee.  I don’t typically have conflicts ever with anybody unless it is absolutely necessary to hash something out.  But I approached another colleague about a situation, that I felt was handled in the wrong way and opened up a discussion about it.  And I thought, I had approached this very softly and respectfully.  But that employee did not feel so and became very upset with me.

Later on during a meeting about this situation, the same employee used words such as “disrespectful” and “unprofessional” to describe me.  This hit me right at my core.  Respect is a really big thing to me.  Huge.  I believe you treat everyone with respect no matter what the situation.  This employee and I had a great rapport up until this point, so I felt hurt and angry that those words were being used.  I felt my body reacting, my heart rate sky rocketed, my body started shaking…oh no.

In that moment, in a meeting with two of my superiors. I could not get it together.  I could not speak clearly. I could not defend myself or discuss the situation.   I could not keep my eyes from welling up like a little girl.  I kept asking God to keep me calm, but I was far from gone at that point.  All I could think about were those words.  After that meeting was over, I felt awful and embarrassed.  I do a pretty good job of keeping my emotions at bay, but in that moment I could not get my points across with out looking like an idiot.  Additionally, it tore me up to know that someone felt that way about me.  But it was also a very humbling experience that I needed.  It showed me that I still have much work to do on myself.

Really think about the kind of person you show to others.  More often than not, it is probably not the kind of person you want to be seen as.  It takes a great deal of self-awareness and not to mention an ego check to realize you have some work to do.  But it will make you a better person in the end.

 

Stay blessed in the mess 🙂